Once upon a time (it was more like yesterday to be exact), there was this absolutely gorgeous redheaded beauty named Everett (Ya right! Her red hair was courtesy of Miss Clairol. Oh alright, I confess! It’s really Garnier’s Intense Auburn). She was petite, (you mean short, don’t you?) with a very shapely body (as in rotund). Men just couldn’t stop looking at her. ( They couldn’t look at anything else for she was blocking their view with her rotund figure.) After many years, she got tired of being yelled at by men as she walked by.
She thought it was because they were admiring her shapely figure and gorgeous red hair. Ya right! NOT! They were yelling at her to get out of their way. They were at Fenway Park trying to watch the Red Sox. She goes there quite often with her husband who’s an avid Red Sox fan.) She wanted to be admired because of her mind, not her body. I mean beauty after all isn’t everything. (This lady is delusional and needs to get a life!).
She decided to expand her horizons by learning something new (She thinks the horizon refers only to where the sun rises and sets.) so she went to her LYS to learn how to knit.(This I gotta see.) While she was there, she saw a group of women knitting socks happily while chatting away. This caught her interest, so she decided to try knitting socks.
She ran through that shop like a crazed person grabbing all colors of sock yarn from the bins, DPN’s and circulars from the hooks and sock books from the racks. (Man, you should have seen the ruts in the floor after she had been there.) Armed with her bags of knitting goodies, she quickly ran home (more like waddled because of her shapely figure,) eager to get started. After a while, the sound of clickity, clickity, clickity began to be heard from her favorite room.
Clickity, clickity, clickity could be heard all over the neighborhood. Clickity, clickity, clickity could be heard as you approached her house. Clickity, clickity, clickity could be heard on the bus as she made her way to and from the LYS. Clickity, clickity, clickity, was heard in bookstores, doctor’s offices, restaurants, beauty parlors, nail parlors, grocery stores, any place she went. (Even the bathroom. When does this woman stop?) She even knitted socks while in bed.
Clickity, clickity, clickity, her poor husband had to buy earplugs to be able to stand the constant noise. He had read somewhere that the clickity, clickity, clickity of her DPN’s could cause major damage to his hearing, so he wasn’t about to take any chances. What he didn’t know was that his wife was lovingly knitting by hand socks for him.
(She knew that the way to her husband’s wallet for money to buy more yarn was through his feet. He likes warm feet. She’s no fool!) One day her husband was reading the newspaper while clickity, clickity, clickity, was heard in the background. By now, he had gotten used to the clickity, clickity, clickity sound. He was into his second cup of coffee when he noticed that the house suddenly got quiet. Fearing that something must have happened to his wife, he started for her favorite room to check on her.
He was almost there when all of a sudden he heard this earth-shattering scream coming from her room. He bolted down the hall, yanked open the door and ran into the room. To his complete and utter surprise, there stood his shapely wife jumping up and down with glee screaming in excitement. In her hands were two socks that she had just finished for him. This was the very first pair of socks she had ever knitted.
Well, you can just imagine how her husband felt when he grabbed the socks from her hands and excitedly tried them on. He was so beside himself with the fact that his absolutely gorgeous red headed beautiful petite wife with the shapely body lovingly knit by hand socks for him, that he ran out the door to his favorite hangout so he could show the boys his socks that his absolutely gorgeous red headed beautiful petite wife with the shapely body lovingly knit by hand just for him.
(She finally proved that she was more than just a body. More like two bodies but her hubby loved her shapely body. He was the only one!) After lovingly knitting by hand two more pairs of sock for her husband, she decided it was time to knit some socks for her. (What an unselfish woman! It’s about time she treats herself.)
By now, she felt confident enough to try a new method for knitting socks called The Magic Loop Method using 1 circular needle. So out came her brightly colored yarn that she was saving for herself,(Did I say she was unselfish? Wrong! Hubby would have loved socks lovingly knit by his shapely wife by hand for himself.) and off to the computer she went to find just the right sock pattern for this gorgeous yarn. She found a pattern she liked called Feather & Fan Socks, eager to get started, she ran back to her favorite room and started knitting her first sock.
Clickity, clickity, clickity was all that could be heard coming from her room for the next three days. In fact, her poor husband didn’t see hide or hair of her during that time. He had to cook his own supper during that time too but on the fourth day, while he was getting ready to open up yet another can of beans, he heard screaming. Figuring that his wife finally finished the socks she was making for herself and was screaming in excitement, he ignored it and excitedly put the can of beans away knowing that his wife would finally come out to make his supper.
Therefore, he sat at the table and waited. Ten minutes went by, nothing. Twenty minutes went by, still nothing. Forty-five minutes went by, and still nothing. After an hour, he began to wonder what happened to his wife. He got up and headed for her room. When he got there, he stopped to listen. It was so quiet that he began to worry so he quickly opened the door and to his absolute horror, there lay his wife as still as can be with a DPN sticking out of her chest and going right through her heart. He could tell that she was dead. With tears in his eyes, he went over to her side cursing the socks she was knitting, thinking that she accidentally impaled herself on the DPN. When he got to her side, he saw a note, puzzled he picked it up and began to read…